Letters and Memories
by jenova-amaranth
Summary: As the memories of her mistakes haunt her, Ashe tries to explain to Vaan how she really feels, but for some reason she can't find the right words. Oneshot, post-game, VaanXAshe


_**A/N:**__ So this is my second oneshot, this time an Ashe-centric one. I must apologise in advance if I make Ashe seem like a really horrible person in parts of this. Feedback is very much appreciated, so please review if you have anything to say, be it praise or criticism (although if you are going to be critical, please try to be constructive :))_

**LETTERS AND MEMORIES**

_Dearest Vaan,_

_It is curious how I still cannot come to terms with everything that has happened. I am in disbelief - I had almost lost hope of Dalmasca's restoration. So much has been on my mind as of late… and you have crossed it frequently. It would seem that you are haunting me. I wonder if you remember-_

It would seem unnatural that the Queen of Dalmasca should be lost for words, yet Ashe could not find them. She could speak to an entire kingdom and the words would flow from her mouth as though she'd rehearsed them for months, and yet she could not write a letter to one boy.

She sighed, staring at the the almost blank paper in front of her.

"I wonder if you remember…" She said, her voice melancholy.

*

The bitter cold of the Paramina Rift was biting and pinching at the princess's skin, even inside the cave they had chosen to camp in and through the blanket she had huddled around her_._ Of course, her outfit was hardly appropriate. Courtesy of living in the desertm she'd never before had a need for anything warm.

She glanced around the cave. It seemed that everyone else was asleep, despite the cold. Even Fran, who must have been freezing in that outfit of hers that consisted of… well, nothing really. Ashe scowled. Although she and Fran were polite to each other, she well aware that the viera was not overly fond of her. "She's like that with everyone," Balthier had told her when she'd voiced her thoughts, "Don't take it personally." But she did. She couldn't help it. Perhaps it was because she secretly felt affection for the sky pirate… but she did not dwell on this. He was Archadian. Oh, and he'd taken her ring. What did being handsome matter? She scowled even more, shivering and pulling the blanket tighter around her.

"Ashe? Are you still awake?"

She jumped slightly at the sound of the voice from the corner. She'd thought she was the only one awake. When she looked round, it seemed that the young blond who had spoken was sleeping. She almost decided that the numbing cold was taking its toll on her brain, causing her to hear things, when she saw him sitting up slightly and opening his eyes to look at her.

"It's too cold to sleep," She explained, turning back to the ashes of the fire that had long gone out, as if hoping they could keep her as warm as the fire had.

"Yeah," Vaan agreed. "It is."

She could hear him moving, but did not turn to look at him; she merely continued to shudder with cold. Finally he spoke again.

"Well… if either of us want any sleep… we could, I don't know, huddle up?"

She shot him a glare. She was a _princess_. He was nought more than a common _thief_. This proposition was positively outrageous.

"I meant that in a completely innocent way," he said hastily, "I want to keep warm so I can sleep. But we could always just sit here and think about how tired we are if that's what you'd prefer."

She knew he was right. Although it would destroy a small part of her pride, which she clung onto desperately along with her fallen kingdom, it would be far better for her and the rest of the group if she got some rest so that she was refreshed for tomorrow. Reluctantly she crawled across the cave to where the blond boy lay, and curled up close to him.

Although she never admitted it to him, or even to herself, she couldn't help but feel comfortable and safe as she lay next to him.

*

_I wonder if you remember the first time we lay close to each other,_ She continued to write,_ that night on the Paramina Rift. I accept that I never thanked you properly for that, so I would like to take the opportunity now to tell you how much I appreciate what you did. I regret treating you so coldly afterwards for so long. Until the evening in the Salikawood. I wish I had made more of that evening, for truly, it was beautiful…_

And with another melancholy sigh, Ashe's thoughts once again returned to the past.

*

Sunset in the Salikawood was a curious time; the fragments of sunlight that managed to pierce the dense canopy of leaves were a glowing shade of pinkish-orange, and seemed somewhat out of place amongst the many shades of green, and yet it was strangely beautiful. The princess was stood alone on one of the bridges, her hands on the rope barrier, staring at the light shimmering around her. Her mind was elsewhere, reflecting the day's events. Although nothing overwhelming had happened, she'd been a lot more relaxed today and had spent a lot of it laughing… thanks to Vaan. A brief smile crossed her face.

She did not know how long she'd been standing there before she heard footsteps, followed by a brief pause before the sound of Vaan's voice from behind her.

"Hey Ashe," he said.

She turned to look at him. He was smiling, somewhat shyly, his eyes bright beneath his dark lashes.

"What brings you here?" She asked.

"Just wanted to see what you were up to," He answered innocently. "And I found you, so I guess…"

He turned to leave.

"You don't have to go," She told him, turning back.

"You sure? You don't just… I don't know, want to be alone?"

"What makes you think that I would?"

He didn't respond for a moment, but then she was aware of him drawing up beside her and placing his hands on the rope barrier.

"Really, Ashe," he started, a little nervously, "I just wanted to tell you that… it was nice to see you smile."

Although her lips did not curve into the smile Vaan had just mentioned, her eyes shimmered slightly.

"I thank you for allowing me to smile and laugh today," she said quietly. "I think… this is the most I've laughed since the start of the war."

The pair stood in silence for a moment. And then, out of the blue, the blond boy leaned over and, very gently, kissed the princess's forehead. For a moment she merely stood in shock, and when she glanced at him, a crimson blush spread across his face. This time, her lips mimicked the smile in her eyes and heart.

*

_I know you thought it meant nothing to me. I was foolish to believe that too for so long. I was so focused on restoring Dalmasca that I could not think straight about anything else. I made many wrong choices and did some things I regret. One regret stands out to me more clearly than any other… and that is telling you what I told you in Balfonheim._

*

"Not sleeping again?"

Ashe sighed irritably at the sound of his voice. It was not the one she had hoped to hear. But all the same, she turned to face him. She felt herself shudder, which had nothing to do with the salty air of Balfonheim brushing coldly against her skin. Vaan's light blonde hair was tousled, falling across his face and sticking up at odd angles, and despite the cold air, he was shirtless. The two had grown close for a bit after the incident in the Salikawood, spending more time joking around and laughing at each other. But for some reason, he'd stopped speaking to her so much after they'd reached the Hunters' Camp at the Phon Coast. That was the day she'd begun to accept her feelings for Balthier…

"What do you want?" She asked, not bothering to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

"I thought you might want someone to talk to," He replied simply, now standing beside her and gazing across the sea stretching out before them. "If you're up this late by yourself, something's gotta be wrong."

"So you think that now I'm alone again you can come rushing to my aid and everything will be alright again?" She snapped.

He seemed completely taken aback. "Huh?"

She snorted and turned back to the sea. "You know exactly what I mean," she hissed.

"Actually, I don't," he said, "D'you wanna explain?"

"I don't feel that I should have to," She retorted.

Neither of them spoke. Ashe glared at the horizon defiantly, silently seething. How _dare_ he ignore her for so long, and then suddenly decide he can fix it all by being a shoulder to lean on? Why did he suddenly care now? She'd seen the way he acted around his Penelo girl; she remembered watching them as they came into Archades, silently denying her envy as he'd laughed with her instead. She fought back her tears, clenching her jaw and staring across the water.

"Ashe… I came out here to see if you were okay… because I… I care about you."

She whipped her head round to hurl insults at him, her face fixed in a glare, but when her eyes met his, she couldn't quite find the words to match her expression. He looked so… lost… and so _sincere_. And for a moment he reminded her of Rasler…

_Rasler…_

"Well I don't care about you," She hissed, "You've been running and hiding from me for far too long for me to care for you or your feelings anymore."

He sighed in defeat and averted his eyes to the sea. "It's Balthier you care about, isn't it?" He asked wearily.

For a moment she considered arguing with him again. But suddenly she realised she was far too tired. She didn't want to fight him. She was sick of fighting. She couldn't find it in her to rip him apart with vicious words, not when he looked so worn out and alone.

"Yes," she finally replied, before storming off past him.

*

_I didn't realise it at the time, but really it was you I cared about. I was just too afraid to admit it. I was hurt that you'd spent so long not talking to me… I missed you. It was much easier to convince myself I'd fallen in love with Balthier than it was to accept I had feelings for you. But now…_

But now what? Vaan would probably open the letter and assume she was writing to him simply because Balthier was dead and she was desperate for a new husband. He probably wouldn't accept her apology. He might not even read it; he might shred it up as soon as he realised who it was from. He might laugh at her, at the emotions she'd poured out onto the page, and show Penelo so that she too could laugh. Perhaps her words would reach him too late… perhaps Vaan was dating Penelo now. They might even be engaged. She couldn't know for sure.

She read the letter back. It sounded stupid. She couldn't possibly let him read something so full to the brim of her pathetic woes and regrets. She was supposed to be the _Queen_. There was no room for her to be weak, not even when it was love that caused such weakness. It wasn't going to make him love her; it was going to make him see how inadequate and pitiful she was.

With a cry of rage, she tore the letter into shreds, letting the pieces flutter to the floor. She watched the words spiralling down like snowflakes: _afraid… regret… haunting… cold…_

She buried her head in her hands and tried not to think about it, but the words would not go away. By writing them down, she'd only engraved them in her mind.

_Vaan…_

His silky blonde hair. His lively eyes. His cheeky grin. His gentle voice. His tender touch. His loving smile. The comfort of his arms…

_You'll never know how I feel…_

She stared at the torn letter on the floor.


End file.
